kind lifers debate the continuum concept...
Over the last month, you Kind Lifers engaged in a thoughtful discussion about our Kind Book Club selection for April, The Continuum Concept, by the late Jean Liedloff.
While you all agreed that the idea of attachment parenting is healthy, some of you thought it is hard to implement in modern society. Take a look at the comments below, and let me know what you think!
From Kind Lifer Michelle
I have been reading this book and it's amazing! Although I know I'm not ready to have a child, it feels so good to become conscious about the way I know I want to raise/care for him/her. This book has given me such vivid dreams and although I can wait a bit, I'm excited to become a mother one day and experience the connection between my child and me in the transition from the womb to in arms!
From Kind Lifer Ann
Just want to let all the non-parents know it is worth reading! I read it years ago - and again since - and have no children, have no interest in having children.....hell, I don't even really like children.....ha! My point being that this book is definitely not just for people thinking about having kids; it's a really interesting anthropological study and I have often thought about a lot of her findings/observations in the years since reading it.
From Kind Lifer Brit B
I am a vegan mother of 3, and my youngest is 5 months now. I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. The philosophy espoused by this book sounds great in theory but unfortunately our culture does not support this type of parenting, which can lead to exhaustion and mental health problems in new moms. Carrying your baby 24 hours a day, sleeping with your baby at night, and nursing on demand sound fantastic, until you are so sleep deprived that you start to hallucinate. Unless you have a live-in nanny, a caring relative that lives close by, or a partner that is home often and can support you, and you can hand the baby off to a helper regularly, (similar to those in village type cultures that can really thrive with this type of parenting), the realities of our culture make this style of parenting very difficult to achieve. I've nursed my 3 til they self-weaned, had blissfully unmedicated births, did kangaroo care for the first month after birth, and live a pretty kind life, but my family and I were much healthier and happier when baby slept in her own bed, was put down to play by herself at times, stuck to a sleep/eat routine, and let mama get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.
From Kind Lifer Angelique
Before I had my son I never knew anything about the term "attachment parenting". It also wasn't until just before his birth that I had a change of heart and decided to have him naturally. Something in me just clicked.. and after some reading, documentary-watching (Ricki Lake!), and soul searching I began to change. I had a natural birth and that just started my path into natural parenting. We co-slept since day one (I had some really progressive nurses in a hospital that showed me how and encouraged it). I wore him non-stop in this beautiful organic sling... I nursed him until he self-weened at age 2. He has since moved into his own room but he is in a full size bed so I can help him drift off to sleep and sneak into bed with him if he wakes up scared to be alone. Yes, of course this arrangement is not easy on the parent.. nor the marriage. It has taken its toll.. but thankfully.. my husband has been understanding throughout this process and we are pretty much on the same page. I read this book a few months ago and cried because it was validation that my gut feeling as a mother was right. I went against my friends and pediatrician (and mother's!) advice and never let my son cry it out.. and I am so happy to know that I am not alone in that.. i am giving my son the best start to his life.. and although it's not easy in this modern society.. it is right... and it follows my basic instincts.
From Kind Lifer Tara
I'm a neonatal ICU nurse and I see the broken bonding with parents, parents afraid to touch, hold, care for their child because they are in an isolette or are attached to respiratory equipment. In our hospital we do have a developmental care committee to promote bonding, kangaroo care, breastfeeding and try to promote a more natural environment for the family but I wish we could do more!
From Kind Lifer Mistie
Wow! I'm so glad you are reading and recommending this book! It has helped guide me through parenting from day one with my little ones and thankfully has helped us create a secure attachment based on love and intuition.. not on doctors or salesperson instructions, lol! Not even mother-in-laws ;) When my boys are proud of something they did, I just give them a sincere "Awesome." and a hug. No need to dramatize or overreact, just acknowledge that they are cool beings who have a lot of great talents. :) Being genuine doesn't mean never praising or giving compliments... it means just being sincere. Kids can tell if you mean what you say or are just propping them up. They appreciate honesty in all forms, even gentle criticism when needed.
Thank you all so much for sharing your parenting experiences and your candid reactions to The Continuum Concept. I'll be announcing our next Kind Book Club selection soon, so stay tuned!
15 comments
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I wanted to chime in for any new or expectant moms out there who I know read every bit of information they can find. :-) I really wanted to do this when I had my daughter four years ago, and I wanted to breastfeed her for as long as possible, and I bought every baby carrier out there and had all these plans for wearing her constantly, co-sleeping, bfeeding on demand etc. Well, in my experience the reality is that this is very very hard to do unless you have some help other than your husband/partner. Parents never in history tried to do all of this on their own the way that many parents do now. In my case, we live in the nw and my family was on the ec and my husband's are in Europe and we thought we would just handle it ourselves the way we handle everything else.
I had terrible problems bfeeding even thought I tried everything under the sun, saw a lactation consultant weekly for 9 wks, pumped in between feedings, slept with my baby & fed her constantly. Took reglan, herbs, drank tea, ate hops. She cried constantly & never slept - for four months. Turns out she was always hungry b/c I had undiagnosed thyroid disease - bfeeding is all about metabolism & I don't think I was producing enough or rich enough milk for her. I became so sleep deprived that I couldn't think straight and was begging my husband to quit his job and stay home with me just so I could have some help. We finally hired a post-partum doula to help us and we saw a therapist who suggested some techniques so that he could take over more and I could sleep. This meant that we had to give her formula and while I was not happy about it, you do what you have to.
I guess my point is, yes, try it all, but be prepared for things to not go as planned and by all means arrange for help and don't try to do it alone.
I now direct programs for a non-profit parent support agency and hear similar stories fr new parents all the time.
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My daughter slept in her own bed from day one and we could not possibly be closer. I could not agree more with the comment from the mom who said the mom is happier and a better mom when she can get some decent sleep and put the baby down to play by himself/herself. I am a stay at home mom and if I didn't have a few minutes to myself each day I would go crazy. For me, this book is great in theory, but difficult in everyday practical application.
My daughter is a healthy independent child. The other day at a play area another little girl was being a bully and pushing her down. She hopped up each time and kept playing. She never cried or ran to me for comfort. Two little boys came in and were bullied by the little girl's brother. They instantly ran to their mothers and were crying. (And I will say I carry my children as often as they need it and always hold them whenever they want it.) I know each child is different but I know I am raising my daughter right. She comes to me for comforting when she hurts herself, but I am glad she is independent.
And, please do not put your marriage in jeopardy! If both are on board, great. But if not, you have to respect your partner's opinion. I had trouble breastfeeding both my children. I absolutely hated that it did not come easy for me (and this after three months with my daughter). I know I gave up too quickly with my son, my second child, but I just couldn't go through the multiple bouts of mastitis and the cracked, bleeding nipples. I know I had a proper latch. It was checked over and over again by nurses and lactation consultants. And pumping was great with my daughter and didn't work at all with my son.
I would tell each mom out there to do what feels right. Books are wonderful and can give you some great advice, but go with your instincts and what works for your family!
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Interesting comments, my daughter is 3 and I have attachment parented her the whole time and have not found it difficult at all. She's still breastfeeding (all the time it seems!), co-sleeps and still insists on being carried a lot. I couldn't see any other way to bring her up as all the other ways, for me, go against my natural instincts. Sure I can't go back to work, and I don't go out at night for meals etc, but where I do get my "entertainment" is by meeting other like minded mothers who have since become best friends, and that's my outlet in terms of adult company. I also have a very supportive husband, although he would he happy to support me however I had chosen to parent my daughter.
What supported me THE MOST to really settle into the attachment style was NAOMI ALDORT - this woman is a genius, and where The Continuum Concept isn't written about babies in our particular society (ie. saying they shouldn't cry if you do all the attachment stuff, well, hello, they do, mine cried all the time!!), Naomi has a much more realistic take on the whole thing, and talks about babies crying A LOT and how to handle it.
Becoming a new mum is the biggest shock in the world, and doing it the attachment way requires such a devotion to this way that you do have to give up a lot of your own needs. And this is how I've chosen to do it and I wouldn't do it any other way, but I also understand if it's too much for people so I would never judge another way. To each their own, after all we all love our children like no love before.
For anyone interested, Naomi Aldort has CDs you can buy which are amazing & has written a book called "Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves". Her website is naomialdort.com SHE became my support during that difficult first year of settling into parenting. I would play her CDs every day.
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Well..I thought it was pretty easy to implement this lifestyle with my kids but everyone needs to remember you dont have to be perfect!! voice your needs when you need help.
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As my children developed (baby-toddler) I began reading books made by the Love and Logic Father - Son team, Jim and Charles Fay. These books are fabulous and based on the premise that we actually WANT our children to make mistakes...they are opportunities for us to teach them while they are young and the consequences are not serious. I have attended their seminars before too. My mom who is a Principal introduced me to this school of thought and it is fantastic. http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Gretchen
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This book looks intriguing. We are hoping to start a family soon. I just ordered a copy of the book. Can't wait to dive into it!
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I have two daughters, both breastfed until self weaned (one after about 4 months and the other at around 13 months). I never let them "cry it out" I held them when they wanted to be held. They slept with me and my husband until late in the toddler years. I carried them when they wanted me to for as long as I could physically handle it and loved every minute of it. That's part of being a mother to me and yes it was tiring. I was exhausted a lot of the time, that's part of the job. They are now 17 and 13 years old and have grown into caring, compassionate people. They are honor students and my oldest is off to college. I couldn't be prouder and I'm so glad I never left them in a room crying on their own.
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I am extremely excited to read this book I read the preface on google books and ordered it! I am not ready to have kids but am excited to have this in my arsenal when the time calls. I am loving all the vegan preganancy information, natural birth etc it exactly what I would like to do.
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I will preface this by saying that I have no children of my own, but was a live-in nanny for about 5 years.
As Britt B said, this kind of parenting can be incredibly exhausting for the mom, especially if she does not have live-in help. The last mama I was with had a 10-year-old and a newborn and tried to parent the newborn this way, and wound up burning out and getting incredibly sick. So she backed off a bit and still co-slept, carried the baby for most of the day, and was otherwise extremely involved and attentive to baby, but put him down when she needed a break. All things in moderation, I say! :)
http://SquatLikeALady.blogspot.com
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Looks like an interesting read! This is one department where there are no right answers. What ever works for each family.
http://www.elizabethskindcafe.com/blog/item/279-disney-world-is-vegan?
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I never want to have children so I am no expert and maybe I don't have the motherly instinct that you guys have, but there is no way I would ever sleep with my baby. First, I would be afraid I would suffocate the kid, even though I see in one of the comments above that there are techniques. I have just heard horror stories. Also, I would never want to alienate my husband that way. I care too much about our relationship, which is the reason that there is the family to begin with, to somewhat give up on our relationship until the kid decides to sleep on his/her own. I have seen firsthand from my in-laws the marital problems that have ensued when the husband feels neglected both in the bedroom and outside of it as well. I think there needs to be a happy balance. I am so connected with my mother now and I always have been, but I never slept in their bed. True, she carried me almost all of the time because I screamed if she put me down, but my parents made sure to spend time together alone too. I don't feel like anything was missing in my life.
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Hi all!
I am the mother of an amazing little boy, and I am also a psychotherapist and art therapist. As a parent I am all about attachment parenting, but I also think you need balance. I breast fed until he was over 2 (just stopped about a month ago - he is 2 1/2 now). I just want to make sure mommas and daddys take care of themselves and their marriage too. That was a hard balance for me to find. So love those babies up and love yourself and your partner too. Get help from grandparents and friends. xoxo!
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I really enjoyed reading this book! It's a lot to think about. I will definitely read it again when we're ready to have children. Thanks for bringing it up. I'd also be curious to read an updated version of this concept.
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