The KInd Life Community Forum

Hi Kindlifers-

I am hoping for some support or advice. I used to be about 90% vegetarian. About 3 months ago, I went 100% veg and 95% vegan. Most days, I actually cook in the Superhero category. Before I went full vegetarian, my husband was very supportive of my vegetarian choices and healthy eating. The recent shift has created HUGE problems for us. We used to cook together every night and share our meals in restaurants. Now my husband has stopped cooking and so I cook every night. He eats my meals, but when I ask how they are, he shrugs and says "Ok." At restaurants, he insists on a meat option, so we no longer share. He does not respect my food boundaries and often tries to entice me into eating meat when we are out.

I have tried really hard to make delicious interesting meals and share with him my thoughts on the issue. I even brought up the topic with our therapist, who turned the tables on me and told me I was selfish for making a unilateral decision that impacted our relationship so much. I did try to talk with him before I made the switch, but he would shut down.

My husband has read the book and is an avid environmentalist, so I am not sure why he is so adverse to my improved lifestyle. Things are so tough and discouraging with him, that it seems to threaten my resolve to remain 100% vegetarian and mostly vegan. I want this to be a permanent change. I also want to stay married to my husband. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Words of encouragememt please?

Thanks, Caseydog

Heeey Casey, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this - and it kills me that not only are you indeed encountering this, but that you're FAAAAR from alone. I continued to be absolutely astounded by these kind of stories lots of Kind Lifers are telling - I will NEVER understand how loved ones can be so UNloving. And I cannot tell you how much I agree with April - how dare a therapist draw - and express - a conclusion like that. That is waaaay outta line in my book, sorry if that's harsh of me.

I just wish you and the others having these battles all kinds of kindness and a positive solution.

I can offer you a little bit of similar experience with my fiance, who is an avid meateater. He had a hard time with my shift to vegetarian and then to vegan/superhero because, in his mind, it means we can't share meals anymore. After a couple fights, we managed to talk it out. Clearing the air of his feelings was helpful for him, and he then became very supportive. He also asked me, bluntly, if it were possible for me to be non-vegan one day a week, so that we could share something like a cheese-based meal. He admitted it was selfish of him to ask but that it would mean a lot to him. His candor and humility impressed me so much that I agreed. Whether you would be willing to make such a compromise (it is a huge compromise) is up to you, but it may be something you could offer him if so. That said, the comment from the therapist is awful and unfortunate because now he probably thinks what he is doing to you is perfectly justified. He may also be feeling guilty/judged because he can't/won't make the shift. No matter his feelings on it, however, you don't deserve a communication breakdown. He must be willing to talk to you for the relationship to work.

Thank you KLers for all your advice and support. I printed out your responses so I can have some support when I need it. Actually, things have improved significantly over the past week. My husband has made it back into the kitchen and is starting to cook vegetarian meals again with me. In general, he seems more supportive and definetly more willing to eat my dishes. There has been a lot of stress for him lately and the major stressor has recently been resolved, so I think that he is better able to cope with other changes in our lives.

As for the therapist, I was floored the day she said that. I have been going to her for awhile and really like and trust her, so that was out of left field. It has made me a little cautious with her. I am still going to her and probably just need to confront her about her comments and my reaction to them.

I apologize for the delay in responding. And sorry about the double post in the forum categories- initially, I wrote in ask Alicia and didn't get any responses, so I got sad and lonely and posted in the support category.

Thanks again for the support, it really made me feel validated and less alone!

This is a familiar dilemma for me too!

My boyfriend and I have enjoyed shopping, discussing, preparing and eating lots of meaty dishes for as a long as I can remember. One week he went out of town for business & I watched Food Inc., read The Kind Life, and I knew I could never eat animals again.

I took a lot of inspiration from Alecia's "Kind" approach in thinking about how to deal with him. I decided that I DO NOT want to buy/prepare ANY animal products, BUT that I couldn't make that decision for him.

So we have compromised, of sorts (in a way that doesn't involve me eating anything from animals). We initially agreed we would cook together every other night. We cook "his" meat & unhealthy stuff like mac & cheese & I cook my kind stuff; the next night the kitchen closes & we each eat yesterday's dinner.

We BOTH get our meals as we like them, and in the meantime, I'm observing that he is increasingly taking to my food. I try to use words like Alecia just to describe my food in an appealing way (I think I called my quinoa last night sexy), but I also try to encourage any step he takes in the right direction while being completely non-judgmental about what is on his plate.

I accept that he may never change his mind, but I think I'm winning him over AND my drastic decisions to live KIND have actually made our lives and time in the kitchen together more interesting and fun.

Good luck to you.