The KInd Life Community Forum

Let me start off by saying that "disappointed in my daughter" are words rarely uttered by me. I've been nothing but proud of her over the years, and I love her more than life itself. But there's one glaring issue that has disappointed me more than anything I could've imagined--she used to be vegan but no longer is.

In 1988 when I announced to her and my husband that I could no longer participate in the cruelty to animals that is the meat industry, she embraced vegetarianism [and then veganism]. In high school she was interviewed for the school paper and spoke eloquently about why she was vegetarian. When she went off to college she lived in a vegan co-op. So she GOT it. Really got the heinous abuse of animals in factory farming, slaughterhouses, etc.

But somewhere along the line she went back to eating meat. She decided that she "loved BBQ" so much she just had to eat it when with a group of friends, and that was that. I saw photos she took this Thanksgiving of "the bird," and all I could do was recoil in disgust at seeing the plucked carcass of a once beautiful turkey.

I simply don't understand how she could go from knowing the facts about animal abuse in the meat industry to participating in it again. When we used to eat meat we didn't know any better! But now she does. How does one just ignore the facts--especially when those facts used to disgust her? I could no sooner eat the flesh of a non-human animal again than I could a human animal. I just don't get why it's not the same for her...and it's extremely disappointing for me.

Believe it or not I really haven't spoken much about this with her. It's such a big deal to me that I tend to get very emotional, and I don't want to get ugly with her. So I've basically just accepted it. (Note that she and her husband are very mindful of my veggie lifestyle and only cook veggie dishes when I'm around.)

Okay, end of rant...

Thanks, Beary, for the very thoughtful reply.

My daughter is an only child, so there are no siblings in the picture.

This is kind of hard to express in words [that make sense!], but I'll try. I kind of feel that my daughter, although once SEEMINGLY committed to and understanding the cruelty-free lifestyle, was really just doing it for me--despite the fact that when I announced my decision to go veg, I made clear--and I WAS sincere about this--that neither she nor my husband should feel obligated to follow suit. (I don't know what I would've done if they hadn't, because from that day forward I truly didn't want dead animal products in the house!) I'm thinking that she wanted to please me, and once she learned the facts about the meat industry it was easy to say, yeah, me too!

That makes a certain amount of sense, until you consider college. She didn't have to stick with it after she went away to college, but SHE researched living arrangements specifically to find a vegan choice. So if it wasn't a sincere concern on her part, why keep it up with Mom far away?!

I really like the suggestions you gave for talking with her about this, and next time she's here I'll see if I can't give it a whirl. As noted before, it's a VERY emotional topic for me, and I'm extremely passionate about it, so getting carried away is definitely a concern. The last thing I want to do is alienate her or make her feel guilty...but it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't already feel guilty for what she's doing.

This is extremely disheartening I can see. I think the phrasing of Beary's questions are perfect. I can understand your disappointment. As an ethical vegan it seems outrageous to me as well that your daughter would go back, especially when she was also vegan for ethical reasons. I could not even fathom going back to eating meat or dairy products. I really do think that you should discuss the situation with your daughter though so that it does not cause a divide between you (even just a little one). I know how easy it is to get worked up about this all because it is such a big part of who you are as a person. I think a lot of people don't understand how being vegan becomes a part of you, a part of your soul, and that it is not just a choice after you face all of the suffering. I absolutely agree with you that your daughter would have probably gone back in college if she was just doing it for you, as being vegan in college can be difficult. Something else must have happened and I think you will feel better once you hear it from her. Good luck.

SAP,

I so understand your disappointment. We want so many good things for our kids. And I really applaud you for raising her with the knowledge that allows her to make the right choices.

I think sometimes when we're young and in an important relationship with someone that is a meateater, it confuses the issue. We so want to please everyone. I compare this to my daughter starting to smoke when her boyfriend did. But I guess we have to love them enough to allow them to make their own choices, even if we dont' like them, so we don't risk alientating them.

She has supported you in your beliefs for years (and still does), and even though her choice is hard to understand, I think the best response is one of compassion. It took me 40 years to finally figure out who I was, and I did alot of things that I look back at and scratch my head over..... but that brought me to the place I am today.

My bet is she will one day come back to veganism, because once that understanding is inside you, it doesn't go away. Hold on to that hope!!

Wow, thank you all for the great replies.

Unlike being born into a particular religion/belief and being raised in it, my daughter was older when I decided to go veg for ethical reasons. So she grew up eating meat, wearing leather, using products that contained animal ingredients and/or were tested on animals, etc. It was only after I became educated about the meat industry, vivisection, etc., that I decided to change, and it was at that point that she followed suit. So it was a conscious decision on her part, based on our newly found awareness of what happens to animals in various industries.

When she was in high school, she came home one day and said that at lunch her friends were eating burgers, and they looked and smelled so good that she took a bite of one--and nearly threw up because it so repulsed her. I think about that and try to reconcile it with her now cooking/eating dead animals...and I just don't get it.

I don't know when I'll see her again in person, and I'm not sure this is a discussion I want to have with her via e-mail or phone, but when she is here next time I'm going to do my best to discuss this with her. (They're living in another state, and because of ongoing illness [I had a brain tumor removed and there have been many complications] I don't travel.)

I'm actually kind of afraid of hearing her explanation! I dread hearing something like I've heard from other people over the years: Oh, it's not THAT bad [the meat industry]; I LOVE chicken!; everybody eats meat; I can't live without leather shoes; etc. I guess we'll see!